So Alone
by ILoveLucey
Summary: Harry Potter has just lost his Godfather, he feels utterly depressed during his stay at the Dursley's...but, when he goes back to Grimmauld place, someone is waiting for him...right when he was convinced he was so alone, is it possible Sirius is alive?


SO ALONE

Must Read A/N to understand a crucial part of this story!

A/N: OK, Everyone, I am soooooo sorry that Taunt My Chains is at a stand still...I have the chapter all completed I just need to finish editing it and figure out something with my computer. What happened in my defense was a lot of computer crap...my computer crashed and then I had to re-write my chapter and find a way to open the format I had the chapter in...and all this stuff, but, everything is cool now I hope. ANYWAY lol, I am really very sorry... Oh and I'm writing a Village fic right now...(which is the coolest movie ever! (( I love Joaquin Phoenix!!!)) ::cough:: um... Ok now _this_story...this is based loosely on a long RP I'm doing on Live Journal (If any of you want to read it...just email me, I'll give you the link...I think it's very entertaining....the only characters in it really are Remus, Sirius and Harry lol I write for Sirius) so one thing you have to know...going in to this story, is that instead of Bellatrix sending Sirius through the veil...she does this spell that makes Sirius bleed a whole lot lol for lack of better words, and he falls down near the dias and just stops breathing, and so Harry and everyone realizes he's dead and runs after Bellatrix and everything just like the book, so at the start of this story he's at the Dursley's... anyway, I'm sorry if it's horrible I wrote it all in like a couple hours...and I've never done a one-shot before, ever, so be kind! And please please read and REVIEW! And of course, enjoy!

XxX

_Throughout my life no one has known  
the pain I feel - I'm so alone  
I search for love in the shadows of night  
finding only myself who hides from the light  
my heart beats no longer for my love has grown cold  
for someone so young I feel a hundred years old  
to touch me is sadness, to feel me brings tears  
to look in my eyes you'll realize my fears  
my arms wrapped around you would bring only sorrow  
to love me today is to sacrifice tomorrow  
so leave me in darkness in a world of my own  
in a life of true sadness where I'm doomed to live alone_

XxX

Harry Potter's hand shook, his quill scratching unsteadily against the piece of parchment as the sun cast a reddish glow through his window and across the room. The color of blood. It was not supposed to be like this. Schoolwork was supposed to be his means of escape from everything that had happened previously before the summer. So why was it so hard to answer a simple question on his Transfiguration homework?  
  
He stared at it again. _Name the regulations and restrictions on Animagi and all reported violations of these laws and their consequences._  
  
Consequences. They were too great to put into words. He could not put into words the emptiness in his chest or the heaviness of his heart.  
  
_Blood splattered across the dais in the Department of Mysteries. _He winced at the memory, trying to block it out, he saw it every night in his dreams and everyday in his mind's eye...he couldn't escape from it. It haunted him.  
  
The sun had sunk lower into the golden sky. He had been too blind to see the truth.  
  
Unseeing, dying, eyes groping in the darkness for one last look at his face.

His thoughts ran wild for a moment before he closed his eyes and willed his mind blank...he laughed to himself in a sick way. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it during occlumency lessons, he couldn't do it now. His thoughts were suffocating him.  
  
Harry took up his quill, and began to write again with his shaking hand.  
  
He should have thought before letting his fear overtake him.  
  
Shaky, scratchy breathing, then a gasp, then silence.  
  
_There used to be three illegal Animagi at Hogwarts._  
  
Today only one illegal Animagus remained on the loose, the other two dead because of Harry.  
  
Consequences.  
  
Now his shoulders began to shake as well. He dropped his quill and buried his face into his hands in a desperate effort to stem the emotions screaming through his mind. Harry wanted it all to end. He wanted to join his godfather.  
  
It had been two weeks since Sirius's... death. The word was wrong in his head, it was a word that didn't exist. 'Death' wasn't real... it had been, at one point...but, now, it was extinct 'Death' had died.

Three miserable weeks spent with the Dursleys. They had been cold and as hateful as ever, even if they dared not lay a hand on Harry with the Order's threat resting over their heads. Harry did not understand why they hatred of him was suddenly hurting him more than it had in years. Perhaps it reminded him of how he had nearly escaped them two years prior, and how he would never have the chance of leaving them now. He could not see how he could survive without Sirius.  
  
Harry felt hot anger rise up at the thought of his godfather, although he did not know who he was angriest at--Voldemort, Wormtail, Kreacher, Dumbledore, or Sirius. Voldemort, Wormtail, and Kreacher for helping bring about Sirius's death; Dumbledore for allowing Harry to be tricked into believing the vision, and Sirius for dying on him. He felt guilty for hating Sirius, when Sirius had never intended to leave him like this--but the anger was still there and it was eating him from the inside like some horrible monster. It left him feeling tainted and used. He hated everyone at the moment--Hermione and Ron for having parents, Lupin for not trying to be closer to him before Sirius died, and Mrs. Weasley for insulting Sirius and bringing up Azkaban in front of everyone at the dinner table. He hated them all and he hated hating them.  
  
Throughout all of his rushing thoughts, he dimly heard something flutter in through the window and across the room. He raised his head from his hands when he felt talons gently grip his right shoulder as the something landed on it. Harry looked back to regard Hedwig sadly after she nipped his ear and gave him a reassuring hoot.  
  
"Hey, Hedwig," Harry mumbled, reaching up with his left hand to stroke her.  
  
She ruffled her feathers out importantly and stuck out her leg expectantly. There was a small peice of rolled up parchment attached to it. Harry gave her a weak smile and untied the letter from her leg.  
  
"Thanks" Hedwig hooted and flew off his shoulder, landing in her cage, dipping her beak gratefully into the water dish.  
  
He watched her quietly for a moment before turning his attention to the letter and unrolling it. It was from Lupin...nothing out of the ordinary there, they sent short letters back and forth quite frequently, mostly small talk, but this letter was a little different.

_Harry,_

_I'm glad to hear you're still doing well. Yes, I'm fine, so is everyone here at headquarters. _

_Harry, Dumbledore has agreed that we can come and take you back here. Now that the ministry is cooperating, we have permission to make portkeys so this travel will be much more convenient. We will be there tonight at seven. Make sure to be ready. There is something here for you. A surprise. I'm positive it will make you very happy._

_Remus Lupin_

A small smile spread across Harry's face. He was getting out of here, finally. He would have no trouble getting ready...everything was still in his trunk...he hadn't unpacked. His state of grief had made everything trivial, unpacking was useless and unnecessary.

He re-read the end and wondered what on earth the surprise was...it was his birthday next week, he suddenly realized. Maybe a party? His smile widened slightly. He had never had a birthday party before...

The weak smile slid off his face as he remembered the last time he had been picked up and taken to headquarters. Sirius had been there. He wondered if he could go back to headquarters without being drowned in memories of his godfather...at least he'd be with his friends.

Harry nodded resolutely, he would be fine.

XxX

By the time seven o'clock rolled around, Harry was incredibly anxious and sitting precariously on the edge of his bed, counting the times his foot tapped against the wood floor.

_One. two. three. four._

His trunk was packed and ready, sitting at the end of his bed. His empty owl cage was balanced on top, having already sent Hedwig ahead.

_five. six. seven._

He stared at the clock as it turned to 7:01. They were late.

_eight. nine. ten. eleven. _

Just then he heard the doorbell ring loudly. He leapt up and grabbed his trunk and cage, quickly dragging them down the staircase as he heard voices in the living room.

He was finally getting out!

He jumped down the last few stairs and made his way through the hall. The first person he saw was Lupin. He was talking quietly with Uncle Vernon. Tonks and Moody were standing by the front door, looking around the house in obvious distaste.

"Hello, Harry" Lupin's voice attracted everyone's attention, everyone turned to look at Harry standing, framed in the doorway of the living room.

"Hi" Harry responded breathlessly.

Remus was smiling brightly...Harry had never seen Remus smile like that and for a second he thought it odd, but, he smiled back anyway. The pain, he realized, of smiling, was excruciating. But, he fared it. He had to, he felt like he had a duty, to pretend to be happy, to pretend nothing was wrong.

"Wotcher, Harry" Tonks smiled brilliantly and waved, her hair, this night, was short and purple (Uncle Vernon eyed it with a kind of loathing) and her eyes were a shocking shade of the same color.

"Hello" He nodded somewhat awkwardly and glanced at Moody, who said a gruff 'Hello' and tipped his bowler hat to Harry.

"How are you holding up, Potter?" He went further to ask, staring at him intently.

He shifted under Moody's intent gaze and averted his eyes. "I'm okay."

Moody still had his eyes on him as he nodded slowly, and then did the last thing Moody expected he would do, he smiled.

Harry looked around the room, realizing Uncle Vernon was nowhere to be found, and looked around at Tonks, Lupin, and Moody. They were all smiling madly. That's when Harry decided they had all gone insane. Bloody insane.

Lupin stepped forward. "Are you ready, Harry?"

He nodded quickly. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Okay, let's go, there's someone waiting very anxiously for you there." Lupin said nothing more and busied himself with shrinking Harry's belongings as he stood there in a whirlwind of confusion.

_What on earth was Lupin talking about??_

"Here, Harry, hold on." He looked up to see the rest of them gathered around an old fashioned alarm clock. He broke out of his daze and set his hand on the clock, watching Moody as he activated it with his wand. With a lurch, the world spun around him for several moments before he felt his feet hit the ground as he went stumbling into Lupin, who was standing beside him steadily.

He smiled kindly and straightened Harry out.

Harry smiled lightly, reluctantly back and looked around. They were standing in the entrance of Grimmauld place. The dark dank room looked just like he remembered, only darker and more unhappy. The building seemed so much less intimidating, so much smaller.

"Harry, I told you there was someone waiting for you..." Remus prompted after he had returned Harry's belongings to their original state.

Harry nodded dumbly.

"And this person...is someone you really want to see, but, it might be something of a shock."

Harry was becoming more confused by the moment. "Er, okay..."

Lupin's smile brightened and he nodded as he put his hand on Harry's shoulder and guided him up the stairs.

They stopped in front of a closed door and Lupin simply stood there, that stupid smile on his face. "Go on inside" Lupin whispered as he knocked quietly on the door and pushed it open.

"I have a visitor for you..." Remus called into the dark room.

Harry looked cautiously into the room, his eyes not adjusted to the low light and then looked back at Lupin, who smiled reassuringly and gave him a small push forward.

Harry stumbled into the room, squinting at the dark form on the bed.

"Merlin, it's bloody dark in here." Harry heard Lupin mutter and then the lights were thrown on.

The form on the bed took shape and the face took on features. Very familiar features.

Harry gasped and stumbled backwards into Lupin. He griped Harry's shoulders tightly.

"Hi, Harry" a very familiar voice.

Harry said nothing, did nothing. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, his heart was pounding wildly in his chest. His throat constricted tightly and he started to shake.

"I know I'm a little sickly, but, I don't look that bad do I?" Sirius asked with a cheeky smile.

Harry stood stock-still for several moments before he began to stutter out incoherent sounds.

"I-I...but...y-you...I...." Harry's chest was heaving.

Sirius's look softened. "I know you're a little confused, Harry"

'A little confused' was the understatement of the century. His mind couldn't process anything. Thoughts swirled around his head until he was swimming in them, drowning in them. His eyes focused back onto Sirius pallid face.

"S-Sirius?" Harry's voice was hoarse and it cracked when he tried to push the word out through his dry throat.

"Yeah, it's me, of course...no one could fake these devilish good looks..." Sirius's smile swum in front of Harry's eyes.

"But-.." Harry shook himself mentally. this was a trick. Don't believe anything. This is a trick. He took another step back, or tried to, he was held in place still, by Remus.

"Harry, I know this is all very hard to believe, but, we'll sort it out okay? This really is Sirius, he really is alive..." Lupin spoke in a quiet yet insistent voice that demanded trust.

Harry nodded staring at Sirius with uncertainty. this had to be a trick, there was no way.

"Sirius? It's really you?" Harry asked, scrutinizing Sirius.

"Yeah, it's really me, Harry, I was kind of hoping for a warmer welcome from you" His smile never wavered.

"You're alive?" Harry couldn't believe it.

"I'm alive, Harry, I'm right here...have you missed me?"

Harry took a step forward and Remus let go of his shoulders, he took another step forward and another until he was standing right in front of Sirius. Close enough to touch.

Harry's hand reached out of it's own accord and touched Sirius's cheek tentatively, as if to see that he was really here, in flesh and blood.

Sirius laughed quietly at the amazement on Harry's face and Harry jerked his hand away, looking down in embarrassment as his cheeks flushed slightly.

"It's okay, Harry" Sirius reassured him quietly.

As soon as the words were out of Sirius's mouth Harry did something shockingly out of character. He lunged forward and embraced Sirius tightly, so tightly Sirius had to fight to breathe.

Sirius hesitated a long moment before bringing his arms up and pulling Harry to him tightly.

"Oh, Sirius...I-I thought...you were...d-dead....I" Harry's voice shook with unsuppressed emotion.

All the emotions he had felt the past weeks rushed through him, being held back only by the dam of complete and utter joy that had sprung up suddenly, suffocating Harry.

"I know, Harry..." Sirius said quietly, as comfortingly as he could. He had gotten used to this kind of reaction. He had gone through it with almost everyone in the Order. For some reason he hadn't expected it from Harry...he hadn't expected anything from Harry. Trying not to get his hopes up.

Harry still didn't know what the hell was going on, but, squeezing himself against his godfather, feeling him _breathe..._ he found it didn't really matter.

After several long minutes of silence, Harry pulled back a bit awkwardly, covertly wiping underneath his damp eyes.

He felt numb. Sirius scooted over slightly in the bed and made room for his godson, offering it to Harry who now stood awkwardly next to the bed.. Harry smiled brightly and sat down.

Remus took control of the situation. "Harry, let's explain this to you, Ok...you have been led to believe that Sirius was dead..."

Harry nodded.

"Well, that was a lie...obviously." Lupin let this sink in a moment before continuing, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Harry looked straight at him. "Why?" He croaked out.

"We all thought Sirius was...dead...all of us...but, when you went back to Hogwarts...we found out that Sirius was in fact alive...he had a very faint pulse...his breathing was so shallow..." Lupin took a deep breath. "He was alive, but, just barely...We obviously couldn't take him to St. Mungo's...so we took him back here...we tried potions, spells, everything." Remus paused. " and we finally got him stable...but he was balancing on the edge, for weeks...there was a great chance that...he wouldn't make it. So you understand why you were not informed?? If we had told you Sirius was alive...and he..." Lupin stopped, the words getting harder for him to speak.

Sirius stepped in. "If I had died then, it would have been as if I had died twice...and you know that would of hurt more...wouldn't it? So, they wanted to wait to make sure I would pull through...and then tell you."

Harry nodded, still staring at Sirius in slight awe.

"A-are you okay now?" Harry whispered.

Sirius nodded instantly. "I'm perfectly fine...well, Moony seems to think I need to stay in bed all day and 'rest'" Sirius paused to roll his eyes. "But, really, I'm fine."

Lupin interjected. "You _do _need to rest Sirius, you need to recover." His voice was stern, but Harry could see the renewed twinkle in his eye. A flash of Lupin's face after Sirius had fallen on the dias filled his mind for a second before he shook his head.

"I'll keep an eye on him" Harry promised brightly, not being able to wipe the smile off his face.

Lupin smiled at him, "Good, because I need to go speak with the headmaster for a moment and inform him that the pick-up went well." Lupin left, leaving Harry and Sirius alone. The silence settled thickly over the room and Harry fidgeted nervously.

"I can't believe it" Harry whispered.

Sirius smirked, "I'm getting quite tired of people saying that."

"Sorry" Harry fidgeted again.

"It's okay."

Unheard and unsaid words swum around, hanging idly in the air as the curtain of silence covered them once more.

XxX

"I still can't believe it."

"Harry! stop." Sirius answered comically. Harry had been saying that same phrase convulsively, with a stupid smile on his face. They had slowly started opening up and conversing, though awkwardly at first, they were now talking like any other godfather and godson might.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Also an over-used phrase of Harry's.

But, really, Harry's mind was occupied at the moment...he was rolling three little words around in his head. _I love you_. He had never said them to anyone, ever. No one had ever said them to him, either, as far as he could remember. The whole time he had thought Sirius was dead he had beat himself up, wishing he had told Sirius before his chance was taken away. But, now, faced with his regrets and Sirius, he couldn't pluck up the courage to get them out. He was certain Sirius would reject them...him.

Sirius broke through his reverie. "Yeah, so we'll have to spend the rest of the summer here still."

Harry was certain Sirius had said something before that, but, he had missed it.

"I don't want to go back to Hogwarts." Harry sighed, the subject of summer having stirred up his thoughts.

"Why not?" Sirius was surprised as he looked at Harry with raised eyebrows.

"Because, I'd rather stay here...with you." Harry looked down, a blush creeping up his cheeks,

Sirius smiled. "You can come back here during the holidays...and during the school year...we can communicate with the mirror...you still have that right?"

Harry nodded quickly. "Well...um, I kind of got mad at it at the end of the year and kind of broke it...but, you can fix it...can't you?"

"Yeah, of course." He reassured him, "Go get it...I'll fix it and we'll see how they work..." Sirius urged Harry.

"Okay!" He jumped out of bed and promised Sirius he'd be right back before leaping downstairs, grabbing his trunk and dragging it easily upstairs.

The landings gave him some trouble but soon enough he wrestled it into Sirius's room.

"Here" Harry offered Sirius a smile and he dug through his trunk and pulled the mirror pieces carefully in his fist and dropped them onto the bed covers.

"Hand me my wand" Sirius requested reaching his hand out to the night table.

Harry handed it to him helpfully and watched in apprehension as he did a quick repairing spell.

The pieces shivered before slamming into each other and melting together.

The mirror was perfect and seamless, as if it had never been broken.

"Wow, thanks." Harry took the mirror as Sirius offered it.

"No problem, here." Sirius reached his hand into the drawer at his bed side table before pulling out an identical mirror to the one in his hand.

"Try it out" He encouraged Harry, looking at him happily.

Harry fondled the mirror carefully in his hands before pulling it closer to his face. He looked into his own eyes for a moment "Sirius Black" He said in a clear loud voice.

His own face faded and was replaced with Sirius's laughing face.

"It works" Harry looked up to Sirius, his eyes sparkling.

Sirius nodded and set the mirror back down on the table along with his wand.

"I'll keep it with me all the time, so whenever you need me, just call." It was all Sirius could get out before Remus stepped into the room.

Everyone had left them alone upstairs as Sirius and Harry had gotten re-acquainted. Harry looked at the clock and was surprised to see how ridiculously late it was, they had been talking for quite a long time.

"Sorry, but, Sirius you need to sleep, you have to rest up." Lupin was looking at Sirius as if he were waiting for a fight.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but Harry could see the slight sag of grogginess in his face. "But, me and Harry are talking." He insisted childishly.

"You can talk tomorrow, now you have to rest." Harry was reminded of Mrs. Weasley for a second in Lupin's tone.

Sirius was about to protest again, but Harry broke in. "It's okay, Sirius, I'm tired anyway." Harry felt like he could run a marathon.

"Fine" Sirius sighed, giving in.

"Come on, Harry, I'll show you to your room." Remus beckoned.

Harry looked down. He didn't want to leave Sirius. He knew he was being childish, but he couldn't help it.

"Actually, I was hoping...maybe I could sleep in here?" Harry looked up reluctantly. "I mean, I could just sleep on the floor or something..."

"Nonsense" Sirius insisted and scooted over in his bed, making room for Harry to sleep next to him.

Harry hesitated before he set the mirror on the top of his trunk and moved slowly to the bed, crawling in.

"There's plenty of room for you too, Moony" Sirius said mock invitingly.

"No, thank you." Lupin rolled his eyes. "Harry, try not to keep Sirius up all night...or... should it be the other way around?"

Sirius glared jokingly and waved him out of the room. "Goodnight" Remus turned out the lights and closed the door.

"Goodnight, Sirius" Harry whispered into the dark. He could feel the warmth radiating off of Sirius beside him and it made him feel so comforted...he felt so much more loved than he had felt in a very very long time.

"Night, kiddo" Sirius answered back and punctuated it with a long yawn.

Once Harry was folded into the warmth of Sirius's bed he realized he really was quite tired. He hadn't slept nearly at all since Sirius's 'death' and now it was catching up with him. He closed his eyes and welcomed sleep with open arms.

XxX

Harry stirred, his eyes blinked slowly and fluttered open.

He groaned and smiled, his consciousness slowly grasping everything from learning Sirius was alive to the conversations they had had.

Harry opened his eyes and took in his surroundings...expecting to see Sirius's ceiling staring at him. Instead he saw a dying sun.

Harry felt stiff and cold. He straightened up, taking in his reality, He was sitting at his desk, his transfiguration homework wrinkled in front of him. He looked around the room in confusion. He was in his room at the Dursley's. His heart sunk and the smile melted off his face.

_It was all a dream. _

Sirius wasn't alive. It was all a dream. None of it had happened. It was all a lie. The feelings he had felt in his dream of warmth and comfort were gone. Dissolved with everything else.

Hedwig came flying through the window, but she had no letter on her leg, she hooted and nipped Harry's ear before flying into her cage.

Harry turned back to look out the window. Never feeling so lonely or empty in his life.

_It was all a dream._

Harry couldn't believe it. He stood up on shaky, cramped legs and was going to make his way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His throat was dry and tight, it was hard for him to breathe.

As he hobbled through the room something caught his eye. There was something sitting atop his trunk, catching the red sun in it's reflection. He moved forward curiously, and picked it up with shaking hands.

The mirror.

It was the mirror...the two-way mirror. And it was in one piece.

Harry's legs could no longer support him and he collapsed onto the edge of his bed.

He stared at his reflection. His eyes were bloodshot and they had circles under them. His face was pale and ashen. His hair was more untidy and unkempt than ever.

He bowed his head in despair, not even having the energy to hold his head up any longer.

"I love you, Sirius" Harry choked out in a miserably small voice.

"I love you too, Harry"

Harry jerked his head up, his eyes falling on the mirror. It was not his own face staring up at him, but Sirius's, it was laughing softly and it winked at him before it faded away and was returned by his own reflection.

He stared into his own amazed eyes for what seemed like forever, not blinking, afraid the image of Sirius would come back and he would miss it. The room eventually became so dark that Harry could no longer even see his own reflection in the mirror and he dropped the mirror onto his trunk and then dropped his head into his hands, letting himself really cry for the first time since Sirius had died.

As he sat on the edge of his bed, sobbing into his hands, he realized he had never felt so alone in all his life. And he realized that he was alone. For real. This was no dream. As he felt his heavy heart sink further in his chest and felt his soul harden with the burden of the world he realized one thing: he had always felt alone, always, and he would always feel alone for the rest of his life. But, he also realized that his parents and Sirius truly loved him, and were waiting for him, had given their lives to keep him alive, and he had to fight, for them, if for nothing else. And he would.

Fin.

XxX

A/N: Sooo, there it is! What do you think?? Was it good?? Bad?? PLEASE REVIEW!!! It would mean the world to me! Thank you all for reading!!! I love you all!!! And watch out for my Village fic! If any of you are interested in that...and the Taunt My Chains chapter will come out A-SAP!! Thank you all for reading!!!

Until we meet again....


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